Tristan is such a tender heart. And such an obedient daughter. She really really tries to do what is asked of her and the best she can right when you ask her. But I feel so bad because I think she feels like it's such a horrible thing if she doesn't do it right or the way I want her to. I don't know yet what I am doing to make her feel that way, but I have been trying to have little conversations with her daily about being yourself and not trying to make me or anyone else happy. That it's not her job or responsibility to always do what is expected of her by others. Sooo....
Last night after I put the little ladies to bed, I am just puttering around and then I hear some sad sobs from Bug and Sissy's room. I go in there to find Tris just bawling and really upset. I crawl up to her on the top bunk and hold her tightly and ask her to tell me whats wrong. It takes a bit to get her calmed down. She says, "Mommy you're gonna be so mad at me." I keep telling her, "Oh Sis I promise I will not be mad at you. I don't care what you have to say I just want to help you. Please know it's ok to talk to me. " Then she wipes her drenched eyes and cheeks and says, "I just said a bad word. Can I tell you what word I said and you won't be mad at me or yell at me in your mean voice?" I brushed her sweaty curly little mess from her forehead and told her, "Of course sis it's ok to tell me and I won't have a mean voice." And she gets more quiet and squeaks, "I just said shutup. Not to anyone I just wanted to try it and just see what it was like. I said it in my bed to myseeeeeeelf!" (sobbing begins again) I squeeze her and tell her with a lighthearted tone, "Oh Sister that's ok. I get it. Sometimes your just so curious you want to see what happens or what it feels like. Is that it? We all do that sissy and IT'S OK. Can I tell you a story?" She settles down. I tell her, "It's about your Daddy. When he was little, like you, he wanted to try and say bad words too just to see what it was like. So he went into his bathroom and shut the door. He started yelling all the words he was not suppose to say. Papa Jelly Beans heard some noise and went to see what it was. Then he heard his little Craigers saying those naughty words and opened the bathroom door and said, "What on Earth are you doing?!" Daddy was scared and shocked that he got caught. See silly old Daddy thought just because the door was shut that no one could hear him." Tristan smiled and giggled about that. Made me tell her it like 3 times right there. I also told her, "Sissy did you know that Mommy makes mistakes everyday? Did you know that is just fine and that we are suppose to do that? Heavenly Father knows we will do that so we can learn. And even though we may do things that aren't good he still LOVES us....he loves you with all his heart." Then she said something interesting, "Does he love us when we are naughty? And does he love all the humans on the Earth that are mad at him?" I reassured her, "Yes. Yes. Yes sis. He sure does. He will never ever stop loving and caring for you. He will never stop watching over you. Just like me and Daddy. We will ALWAYS love you no matter what you do. If you never say a bad word we will love you and if you say lots of bad words we will love you. But we should still try our best to do what is right and good for us. Ok? Do you understand?" She smiled (thank heavens) and gave me big hugs and kisses and off to sleep with some primary music. I came out of her room and realized that sometimes I need to stop and just talk with my girls. I am really 'busy' doing whatever it is that I 'think' is so darn important. I will have YEARS to clean my house and make it perfect. YEARS to mess on the computer and craft. And I will have YEARS to reminisce of my time with my children. I better have a mind full of joy instead of a heavy heart of regret. I just want to come down from my 'Mommy Throne' and just 'BE' with my little ladies.
-mama
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